You’re married to a man who tends to get fired every 3 to 4 years, so, of course, paying the mortgage is always a struggle.

The couple across the street, on the other hand – the wife is a doctor, the husband a broker – have just doubled the size of their kitchen, putting in a professional 6-burner Garland stove.  You oohed and ahhed over the 18foot cathedral ceiling as if you couldn’t have been happier for them.

Is that really how you feel?  Happy for the couple across the street?!  Or burning up with envy because you realize that at 46 years of age, things aren’t going to magically get better for you and old what’s his face?

Listen, maybe you really are happy for the couple across the street.  Maybe you’re some kind of saint who, unlike the rest of us slobs, just doesn’t have a jealous bone in your body. God bless you.

But what if you’re simply lying to yourself?  What if you’re in denial?  What if you’re pretending you’re enjoying your neighbor’s good fortune, when in fact you’re giving yourself an ulcer – or much worse – because you just don’t want to own up to how bitter and envious you feel??

Big mistake, ma’am.  We all can’t have the dream house we want, but we sure don’t have to compound the problem by trying to be happy for those who do.  I say, fuck ‘em.  A pox on their house. 

Look at me – E-man.  My wife threw me out of the lovely house we lived in and married the architect who designed it.  They’ve got a state of the art kitchen that Bobby Flay would be proud to cook in.  I’ve got a greasy little kitchenette with peeling linoleum and an oven that doesn’t work. 

Want to commiserate?  I’ll show you how to enjoy your jealousy all right.  No more self-denial for you.  No, ma’am.  E-mail me anytime day or night.  That’s E-man@secondbestthemovie.com.  Remember, the only thing worse than being a loser is pretending you’re not.