Last night was kind of a tough evening on old E-man, the biggest loser of ‘em all.  In fact I'm sort of reeling from it.  It's reminiscent of a time back in junior high.  I was at this party at Ginger Hammond's house, and my best friend Richard had just broken up with his girlfriend.  It was late, and I wanted to go home, but I couldn't find my girlfriend anywhere.  So I said, fuck it, I’m out of here and started to cut across the side yard.  And there, dancing in the moonlight – was Richard and my girl.

So last night, 30 years later, what happens?  My super-successful friend Richard is in from California, we bump into my current excuse for a girlfriend at the local pub, and she drags Richard into the parking lot and gives him a blowjob.

Feeling as sorry for myself as I do, I'm wondering, Dear Reader, if I haven't been a little harsh on us, you and me both.  My intention has never been to be cruel, but, rather, to get us to stop the awful rationalizing, to get us to come out and say it:  My friend does make more money than I do.  He is taller, handsomer, more charismatic.  And it doesn't all come out in the wash.  I can't bear the fact that he'll eat better steaks, bed prettier women, take longer vacations, and, to top it all off (according to this article on super successful alpha males I just read in the fucking New York Times), live ten to fifteen years longer than I do.  In fact, I hate it.

It's awful.  I'm jealous, and it eats at me every waking second of my life. My point is, it's only if we're honest with ourselves, if we face up to the pain of not being as gifted as our friends and rivals, that we can somehow find a way out of this mess.  That's why I've been so hard on us losers, pal –I want us to find a way to enjoy our lives so that (a) we're not consumed by jealousy and/or (b) we don't give ourselves cancer by glossing over it.

Old E-man is feeling a little lonely tonight, friends.  So log on and commiserate.  That’s E-man@econdbestthemovie.com.  Remember, the only thing worse than being a loser is pretending you’re not.