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First Clue.
You hang on to victories from the past, be they ever so
pathetic – like the one time you scored the winning touchdown for the "B"
team back in eighth grade when every other kid your age was on the "A"
team, and the kid who threw you the touchdown was a fifth grader for
Christ sake.
Second Clue.
You’re big on that rationalization shit that we're all a
mixture of both -- winner and loser. Like Ronald Horovitz of Closter, New
Jersey, who e-mails he doesn't consider himself a loser because once, back
in 1978, he came in first in a day-camp archery competition. This despite
the fact that Ronald's a paralegal at Shadden/Arks making 46 thou a year
while the average partner there's pulling in over two million bucks.
Yeah, Ronald, you're not dealing with
the most intense feelings of meager self-worth. Keep on rationalizing,
pal. Keep on irritating that mutant cell in your bowel that's just
itching to turn itself into you know what. Just don't expect me to go
along with you.
It's not my job to make you feel good
about yourself with a lot of New Age horseshit...not me, pal. My role is
to get you to face the truth: You're a loser, your mother's a loser, your
daughter's boyfriend's a loser, and your Liza Minelli-loving son... why,
he's the biggest loser in the entire universe!
Third Clue.
You’re first question about someone doing better than you
is: But is he really happy? Well, if your boss isn’t happy
driving a Porsche Carera and porking his hot Jamaican secretary on the
side – playing golf at his private country club while you’re getting up at
3:30 on Saturday morning to line up with a thousand other slobs for a tee
off time at a shit-eating public golf course where you'll finally get on
at one in the afternoon and not break a hundred without taking about half
a dozen gimmes, well, if that's happy, pal, you're either a liar or a
masochist.
Come hang out with me, E-man, and all
the rest of us Losers. E-mail me at E-man@secondbestthemovie.com.
Remember, the only thing worse than being a
loser is pretending you’re not.
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