Which is why our Loser of the day, Aileen, has accepted a proposal of marriage from Ralph, just an inch taller and 40 pounds heavier. The only way Aileen is able to have an orgasm is by pretending Ralph is Johnny Depp.

Every day at the office Aileen interacts with good-looking men with intelligent eyes.  She can’t help but imagine how much fun it would be to go to bed with them…what wonderful offspring might result from the passionate intermingling of such superior genes.

But as soon as these feelings arise, she quashes them.  It is simply too painful to face the truth:  These good-looking men do not desire her.  So she sweeps all her negative feelings under the rug, goes on anti-depressants, and knocks down an extra Zoloft or two on the day of her engagement party.

“Idiot!” Aileen screams at her fiancée, “Loser!  Pathetic excuse of a man!”  She hates herself for her cruelty but can’t stop.  She’s in a constant rage and doesn’t know why.  Me?  I know why.  I’m E-man, biggest loser of all.  Difference between me and Aileen is, she’s in denial, I’m not. 

Aileen, smart girl like you, face the truth:  You’re ugly and so can’t attract a superior man.  Not much you can do about it except visit my website and pour your heart out.  Rant.  Rave.  Get it all out.  Won’t make Ralph any sexier, but you’ll feel better knowing there are millions of people out there just as unhappy with their lot in life as you are. 

Look at me.  I was lucky enough to marry a good-looking spouse;  but when I lost my big job in publishing, she tossed me out.  I’m nearing 50, and I’ve lost my hair.  All I can attract now are hard-drinking manicurists and over the hill crossing guards.  It sucks, but a man’s got to get laid.  E-mail me anytime day or night.  That’s E-man@secondbestthemovie.com.   Remember, the only thing worse than being a loser is pretending you’re not.